Booktubeathon 2016
I think that I am going to try to do Booktubeathon this week.  Its from 7/18 thru 7/24.  I just decided that I am going to do this, but I did read an entire book yesterday, so I am actually off to a pretty good start.  The goal is to read 7 books in a week and there are other goals that are as follows:

1) Read a book with yellow on the cover

2) Read a book only after sunset

3) Read a book you discovered through Booktube

4) Read a book by one of your favorite authors

5) Read a book that is older than you

6) Read and watch a book-to-movie adaptation

And as always:

7) Read seven books.

Last night, I read Scarlett Epstein Hates It Here by Anna Breslaw which statisfies the second challenge (read a book only after sunset) and the third challenge (read a book you discovered through Booktube), because I heard of this book in one of the hauls that Kristina Horner posted.  I think that is actually a pretty good start.

The rest of my TBR (so far) are:
The Bronte Plot by Katherine Reay (for my book with yellow on the cover)
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (for my book by a favorite author and my book that is older than me)
A Tyranny of Petticoats (a collection of short stories) edited by Jessica Spotswood

That is what I have so far.  I don't know what my book to movie adaptation will be, but I will figure it out.  I have to work four days this week, so we'll see how this goes.

Traditional end of the semester panic
I have been trying to write this paper for days and I cannot seem to get it out.  I am having a really hard time with this class.  I am afraid of turning writing in to this professor and I don't entirely understand why.  I want to write this piece and I think that I have finally figured out what to write it on after reading all of the options more than once.  But I still don't feel that I have any valid thoughts on this piece.  At least not that I can expound upon for 1000 words.  I wish that I could write him a paper on why I can't write this paper.  Critical Analyses terrify me. I emailed my professor and he said that he would be in his office all day, so now I simply have to find the courage to go down there and talk to him.  I don't know that he can help me.  I don't know why I am freaking out about this as much as I am.  I am starting to think that I may need to try to get medicated, because this cannot be how life is for everyone.  I cannot accep that.  But I am also not thrilled with the prospect.

New Semester
I feel a little bit like I am having a meltdown.  I was looking at my syllabi for my some of my classes this semester.  I haven't even been to a single class and I am freaking out.  It looks like its going to be a lot of work.  I am not entirely sure that I can handle it.  Specifically the Pecha Kuchas in my American Diaspora class.  I don't understand what those are or what is expected of me, so I am panicking.  I am also concerned about the sheer about of reading that I have in all of my classes.  I don't know how I am going to do all of that.  It is a little stressful.  I think that I am getting up in my head like I always do and that if I just try to get all the reading done as I go it shouldn't be a problem.  I am incredibly put off by the amount of reading in my 200-level British literature class. I am only taking it because I needed an elective and I thought that I would be able to coast through it.  Granted that is not the best reason to take a class, but that is what I was thinking and it is starting to look like based on the sheer amount of assignments (mostly writing assignments) that class could be the hardest for me.  I am tempted to drop the class.  But another part of me wants to rise to the challenge and prove to myself that I can do this.  I can turn all of these assignments in on time and do all of the reading.  I just can't believe that I am already stressed,  It is the first day of the new semester.  Shouldn't it take me a week or at least one class period to lose my marbles?  I don't know if this happens to everyone, but I am guessing no.  All I want to do right now is crawl back into bed and watch Bones.  I should try to be productive start this day and semester off on a good note.  So I will walk home taking deep breaths the whole way and then I will read some of A Frolic of His Own which is a book that never should have been committed to paper.  Perhaps I will also read some of the 25-page essay that needs to be read before tomorrow.  I just wish this was easy.  I can work hard, I just hate knowing that its coming.  That seems to be my downfall.  I can do this.  (If only I really believed that.

Tiger Lily
I know that a lot of people are upset about Tiger Lily and I know that she is completely racist in the original Peter Pan film as well as the book.  There is no arguing that point.  I am about to say something that is not entirely appropriate and I apologize.  I am a little confused.  Clearly the original Tiger Lily is based on conceptions of Native Americans that are neither accurate or fair.  I would just like to discuss the fact that Neverland is not America.  It is another world that does not necessarily have to subscribe to racial boundries in the same way.  Is it possible that casting Rooney Mara was a quest to divorce the character from her problematic past, by making her unique to the island.  I think that it can be asked that was there not anyway to do that or something similar with an actress of color, specifically a Native American one?  I also know that I don't truly get to weigh in on this issue, because I am not directly affected by it.  I cannot understand what it is to be a Native American in this country.  Not truly.  I just have a hard time wrapping my mind around this particular issue, but I am attempting to respect those with more knowledge than me.

I strongly dislike the people that I work with
I got to work today and my manager was talking shit about the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge.  He was saying that he thought it was stupid.  I tried to explain the monetary difference and I talked about people with ALS and the families of people with ALS that support this movement.  He just kept going on and on about the water and that they should find some other way to raise awareness.  There is a reason that this worked and a reason that there is so much awareness right now and that it that it is both fun to do and hilarious to watch.  Something like this is a great way to raise awareness about something that is rarely thought about and definately not to the level of something like Breast cancer or AIDS.  I think that most anything that brings money to research and victims and awareness to everyone else is a good thing. So fuck all of you ditractors.

Politics and Race
I work at a hotel in a resort town that is primarily white.  There is very little crime here and if there was I am confident that the police would show up and be as helpful as possible.  There are people in the USA that do not have that privlege and most of them have darker skin than me.  As a biracial person, I find that I am more aware of the violence towards black people than your average "white" person.  I have found myself frustrated over the last couple of days when discussing the issues with Ferguson, MO with my coworkers.  They keep saying things that are so privleged and accidentally racist.  I am sure that they would not think of themselves as racist, but they are exhibiting opinions that are not good.  I was just talking to one of my coworkers and he was saying that he didn't think that the police violence against black people was not common.  That it didn't happen every day.  I tried to explain to him that young black boys have to be taught how to be properly arrested, so that they can survive, because most of them will be arrested in their lifetime.  I don't think that he understands how much of this violence goes unreported by the mainstream media.  Police shoot at unarmed people all the time.  And honestly said unarmed people tend to be black.  These people at work are so unaware of the realities of the lives of people of color and specifically black people.  I am not saying that, as a light skinned biracial person, I can ever completely understand, because I am afforded a certain amount of privlege due to my skin.  The other day one of my coworkers that actually goes to school near Ferguson was telling me about the town and he was saying things about how nice it is in the center of town and that its only the outskirts that were a problem.  I am fairly certain that he was saying that only the black people are the problem.  He also tried to tell me that the issues in Ferguson were not about race but rather about poverty.  I couldn't figure out how to explain to him that poverty is race related in its very nature.  The institutions within our country have caused this with their policies and actions.  I knew that white men were privleged, but I have never really spent any time with straight white men in their 20s, so I am not quite sure that I knew it was this bad.  My one coworker thinks that the reason the police were shooting into the crowd of protesters is that the protesters shot at them first.  It's like they have no concept of the historical issues in our country.  He just keeps saying that the rioting needs to stop and I agree.  The rioting is bad.  But I don't think that the protests have to stop until there is some real progress made.  I think that actions of the police in Ferguson are ridiculous and they need to stop.  I am not saying that police are evil, I am saying that they need to be able to interact with people without wearing riot gear and shooting off tear gas, wooden pellets and rubber bullets.  I am saying that if the police shoot somebody they should be immediately investigated.  And I am saying that the Ferguson police chief needs to stop giving press conferences.  People need to be aware of the fact that we are nowhere near a post-racial society. 

I don't know how much longer I can deal with my stepdad
So today my parents came back from a weekend away.  I am home for the summer and I have a new job, so I am working two jobs.  One of the jobs is for my mother and I didn't get over there this weekend.  She was upset, because this has been a pattern with me and I felt attacked.  We worked it out and I went to work this evening.  I got home at 3:30am and went into the kitchen to make rice, because I figured it was the quietest thing that I could make and I hadn't eat since 4pm.  My stepdad has an art studio off the living room and he was sleeping there instead of in his bedroom upstairs.  He was sleeping with the door open.  As I was making my rice, he asked me if I was still in the kitchen.  I didn't want to answer too loud, because my mother was sleeping.  He then asked me to turn off the light, because he was trying to sleep and I told him that I didn't know he was down here.  He asked me to turn off the light, because he was down here.  I said that wasn't my fault and went to turn off the light.  I turned it off and was in the dark in the kitchen when he came in saying "What did you say?"  I knew that what I had said was not entirely appropriate and was definitely because our relationship is royally fucked, but no matter what I said we were going to fight now, so I stayed silent.  He got progressively louder, so I finally answered.  I told him that I didn't know that he was downstairs, that I had no way of knowing that and I had been trying really hard to be quiet.  He said that he wasn't complaining about any noise.  (This from the man that when he comes upstairs to bed turns on all the lights possible no matter who is already sleeping.) He told me that I was a guest in his home and that I was jerking my mom around about my job.  I didn't respond to the second accusation, but I told him this was my home too.  He told me that I had to be an adult and said  "How old are you? oh yeah 22."  I responded with "how old are you?"  I don't remember anymore of the fight, but I kept telling him to go back to bed and he kept telling me that I couldn't tell him what to do.  He said that I didn't clean up after myself and that when he had gotten home, he had had to pick up my trash.  I said that I did clean up and that he's the one who has to go move everything just a little bit (which he did to one of the kitchen chairs as I was saying that.  In the middle of all this we woke my mom up and he tried to blame it on me.

I hate living with my stepdad.  This encounter made me heart pound, my adrenaline start pumping and my hands shook.  I actually cried.  He makes me feel unsafe and unwelcome.  I was here first and he has never really been able to deal with me if I am not doing exactly what he thinks that i should be doing.  He doesn't understand my relationship with my mom and that we can deal with each other.  She doesn't need his help with me, because it doesn't help.  And now the next couple of weeks are going to suck.  Because he holds a grudge like no other and I generally refuse to apologize, because he used to yell at me when I did.  Our issues extend to when he comes home for lunch and I am home.  His presence changes me from completely relaxed and in a good mood to ready to throw down.  I have to be on my guard at all times, because he can always find something that I have done wrong.  Sometimes I wonder if this relationship is part of the reason I have such a hard time connecting to people.  I don't have many friends.  I feel like people don't like me and I don't think they're wrong.  I was watching a vlog today where the girl said that people who have negative thoughts are not fun to be around and I think that is me at least part of the time. I wonder if my best friend or my mother ever feel stuck with me.  I definitely feel stuck.

I am a person and I live here too. I deserve to feel safe in my own home. 

Second day at a new job
Today is my second day working a new job and it is very interesting being in this position.  I have always been the person who knows what to do and what is going on.  I don't like being unable to do things I feel useless.  Also there is a problem, because I don't yet have a uniform or a log-on.  I also don't know what my salary is my impression so far has been that they are fairly unorganized.  I guess that I am used to working for my mother who is potentially one of the most organized people ever.  I am sitting here while my co-worker helps someone, unable to assist, because I don't know what to do and I don't have a system log-on.  It has been mostly slow and I really just want to go home and sleep.  This woman is a piece of work.  She thinks that she knows everything.  I actually ended up helping her with directions around town and it made me feel useful, so that was nice.  I actually know alot of the answers to the questions that she was asking which I was slightly surprised by.  I kind of jumped in front of my co-worker, but I figured that I know town better than him, because he has been here for a month and he lives and works in the next town over.  I think that I would be a much better concierge than I am a front desk person.  I know that the people are going to be high maintenance, but I am good at directions.  It was interesting looking at the map upside down.  I have never had to look at a map upside down before.  I don't know how people do it in places that they have maps without the business names on the maps.  I can't imagine being transferred by the company to a place that you have never been to work at the front desk.  I think that it would be a horror.  I need some caffeine.  I am a slight disaster.  I hate having to tell people that I am training and they are going to have to wait for someone else.  I think that it makes me look bad or stupid.  I cannot wait until I know what I am doing and I have a feeling that is going to take some time, which is annoying, because I am only here until the end of August.  I seriously am going to eat lunch and then go to sleep when I get off.  This standing all day thing is going to kill me.  Yesterday my heels hurt and now my knees hurt.  I am a person who spends alot of my life sitting, so I think that this will strengthen some of the stabilizing muscles in my legs.  I just took someone up to my first room.  They are nice.  I think that it is interesting that most of these rooms are owned by people.  It seems like a weird system.  I don't know.  Its odd.  i should be able to leave soon is my hope.  I want to be done for the day and try to get some sleep, so that tomorrow isn't as difficult. I am going to bring something fun to drink tomorrow.  Maybe I will stop at Starbucks tomorrow before work and get a venti Frap, so that I can get some sugar in my body.  Hopefully, I'm done soon.

Sometimes I wonder if I am a writer without an outlet.  I talk a lot and I think that I annoy people in doing so.  But when there are people around willing to pay me any kind of attention, I take advantage of it.  That is not to say that I don't have family members and friends who care a great deal about me, but I often feel like everyone wants me to shut up.  I get a subject between my teeth like the (temporary) resurgence of The Lizzie Bennett Diaries and I cannot stop talking about it.  I don't know why.  Its a little like I am trying to browbeat my audience into agreeing with me.  But it also feels as if I get something out of someone listening to me.  When someone talks to me, I pay attention.  I disengage from whatever I was doing and focus on them.  I find it frustrating that many people don't extend the same courtesy to me.  Am I really talking so much more than them?  Is what I have to say really so uninteresting?  I think I need another outlet, but I think part of the effect for me is the audience.  I think that talking makes me feel worthy, because I know there is an audience.  I write stuff here and although it is the internet and anyone could look at it no one does.  I think that my life would be dramatically improved and perhaps my relationships if I could find an additional audience.  I don't know.  Just stuff to think about.  (I read an article that made me want to write a novel.)

Having a hard time
My mom just spilled wine all over the front passenger side floor mat of my car.  I overreacted and said that I wasn't going to let her drink anymore.  I shouldn't have said that.  I said it because I am still upset with her about the copying my texts and sending them to my uncle thing and because she had 4 glasses of wine tonight.

She got mad at me and told me that because I didn't know where to stop, she wasn't going to pay for my car anymore.  I tried to say to her that if I spilled wine in her car she would be very upset with me.  She said yeah and implied that was because she pays for her car.  That is a factor and I do have a free car that I am extremely grateful for, because I could not afford it otherwise.  However, the fact that I have to pay for the car to be detailed now is not the only factor.  I am also that person that this mainly effects (which is why it doesn't matter to her at all).  I have to drive that car and if our family borrows the car over Christmas I will be the person that is blamed.  I had a right to be upset, if not as upset as I was.  Despite the fact that the car is not legally mine, I consider it mine and I really don't like it when other people brake or damage my stuff.  This is not a big deal and I did overreact.  I understand why she was mad.  However, she never really apologized and she is still ignoring what she did wrong with the texting.  She seems to think that the lesson out of all of this is that she shouldn't share things with me.  I find it completely baffling that it doesn't seem to occur to her that she simply shouldn't do these things.  Then she could share whatever she wanted with me.  I know that the wine was an accident and I don't think that I was honestly reacting to that.  I think that most of my reaction was about things that I didn't get to say about the other thing.  The real problem, for me, in the fact that she clearly thinks I am being ridiculous about the texts and it is a problem for me.  If I wouldn't have told him myself, he shouldn't have the information.  I now am going to spend the whole time that my uncle is here feeling awkward.  I know that she thinks that is my fault and absurd, but it wouldn't have happened if she hadn't given him the information.

She's right.  She probably shouldn't have told me.  She seemed to think that it was a laugh, but it wasn't and I didn't need to know.  I don't understand what exactly she thought would be funny to me, but it is what it is.  I think that more than anything she should have been aware that it affected me.  I don't want to be mad at her for it, but I don't know how to work through it, because she makes me feel like we can't discuss it, because she can just declare the conversation over at any moment.  My emotions might be ridiculous and illogical, but they are still how I feel and i have a right to them.  I just feel all roiled up and icky inside. 
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